DEVIL MOUNTAIN CHRONICLES: The Ship of State
Welcome to another exciting episode of The Ship of State, starring Donald J. Trump as our swashbuckling hero: “Barnacle” Bligh, Captain of the USS Constitution!
Our episode begins on a turbulent sea where Capt. Bligh is at the bow of the ship, arms extended, the wind blowing his magnificent, orange mane into a tantrum.
“I am the King of the World!” he exalts, as his Third Mate (played by Sarah Silverman) wonders why she ever signed up for this terrible tour of duty.
The “clean coal” powered ship – seized by Bligh in January of 2017 – has been sailing in dangerous, uncharted waters for over a year now, and has been firing shots over the bow of reason by attacking once cherished allies and giving free passage to enemy ships of state; and no sanctions.
The impetuous Bligh – the greatest naval officer the world has ever known – has mapped out a seemingly nonsensical course, straying from the norm and nearly sinking the Ship of State at every turn. His incompetent navigator Long John Kelly (played by Christopher Walken) along with his bumbling First Mate Steven “Whitey” Miller (played by Peewee Herman) have ill advised their commander, and as a result Captain Bligh is systematically decimating the Constitution.
Most of the crew believe that their Captain is incompetent, cruel and narcissistic but never question him: the Captain’s word is law! Some even believe that he’s insane. But there are only a few degrees between insanity and genius; and we know that our dear Commander is a genius – because he tells us so. Never the less, Barnacle Bligh and his cadre of smarmy sycophants fear a mass mutiny that would take back the Ship of State.
Many of Bligh’s disillusioned crew are jumping ship on a daily basis; and many prominent officers have been summarily court-martialed and made to walk the plank. Some of his more compassionate seamen are angry that their captain sailed by the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico thumbing his nose at the struggling survivors of two deadly hurricanes. And recently, an overloaded boat of Haitian refugees seeking rescue were turned away. Bligh wielded his trusty bullhorn: “You sad, sad losers with no skills or money are from a shithole country. Permission to come aboard is denied! Have a nice day.”
The crew may be starting to question their commander, but the one thing that Bligh demands from everyone is devout loyalty — or else.
Our captain recently approved an extra ration of rum to appease the lowly seamen, but most of the “swabs” know that this trickle-down treat is just a ruse to keep them in their places. The coddled captain himself employs a private chef (played by Ronald McDonald) — the envy of his crew — who prepares “gourmet” burgers and fries with vanilla milkshakes and “the most delicious chocolate cakes ever.” The captain’s hairdresser/cabin boy (played by Richard Simmons) is paid ten times that of a seaman.
None of this arrogance and opulence goes unnoticed by the weary crew.
One day, while sailing through the Straits of Insanity, the captain received an emergency tweet: “Sir! There’s a Russian sub off the starboard bow!” Bligh replied: “Just ignore them. It’s okay, I’m in constant contact with them.”
Bligh seems to be on a collusion course with the Russians. It is a dangerous game of Russian Roulette that the captain is playing, but none of his advisers have the guts to stop him.
Meanwhile, up on the poop deck, Chaplain Pence (played by Steve Martin) is conducting a burial at sea. Racist First Class Sessions (played by Danny DeVito) whistles the crew to attention as the Jolly Roger Stone is hoisted.
The bodies of the seven dishonorable staff members executed for treason are loaded into cannons. Captain Bligh recites the traitors’ names as they are shot from the big guns:
“‘Nut Job’ Comey, (BOOM!) General ‘Nuisance’ Flynn, (BOOM!) ‘Kid’ Papadopaulos, (BOOM!) ‘Pretty Boy’ Priebus, (BOOM!) ‘Spicey’ Spicer, (BOOM!) ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci, (BOOM!)
“And last but not least, ‘Sloppy Steve’ Bannon. (BOOM!)
“There will be more to come. Trust me.”
All are blasted out over the deceptively calm sea, under a majestic sunset, as Tchaikovsky’s Scheherazade plays in the background. Our hero bellows in his best reality TV voice: “You’re fired!”
That night Bligh commands the Ship of State while watching FOXNews, where he receives his orders. He tweets down to the engine room: “Full speed ahead.”
The engine room tweets back: “Sir. We’re headed for a titanic iceberg bigger than Trump Tower!” The Captain tweets: “Don’t worry. This ship is unsinkable. Believe me!”
Unbeknownst to captain and crew, the Constitution is being followed by Admiral “Bull” Mueller commanding the US gunship Resolute. Mueller has been instructed to tail the rudderless ship of fools and gather incriminating information on Captain Bligh and his zombie followers.
It looks as though our Commander in Chief is in a pickle: Is the Constitution sunk?
Will “Bull” Mueller put a stop to Captain Bligh’s piracy before it’s too late?
Tune in next week – same time, same station – for another exciting episode of ‘The Ship of State!’
Or maybe not…