HUMOR: The Smell of Global Warming

An international team of scientists arrived in Stinkwater, Colorado on Monday evening, on a mission of global importance.

“We are not at all concerned about the rotten egg smell,” said lead researcher Dr, Rudolph Spengler, of the International Research Institute of Scientific Research based in Arroyo, New Mexico. “But the hot water seems to present a very unpleasant problem.”

Dr. Spengler stood beside one of the geothermal bathing pools at the Healing Spa Resort at the Springs, with several members of his research team — and spoke with such a thick German accent, you could have spread it on your bread like butter.  (Or alternately, like German mustard.)

The team is staying at the resort here in Stinkwater, to test an unorthodox scientific theory.

“It has been pretty conclusively proven that the earth is undergoing a period of surprisingly intense global warming,” said Fluffi Gerard, a petite French geophysicist serving as part of the international team.  “What has not yet been fully identified is the cause of the warming.”

Many scientists have adopted the theory that the industrialization of the world’s cultures is resulting in a marked rise in so-called “greenhouse gases” such as carbon dioxide and methane, both of which are spewed out by automobiles — in particular, by Dodge trucks — and by noxious power plants and factories.  According to some scientific climate models, 90% of the world’s so-called “greenhouse gases” originate in Texas.

“We’re not at all concerned about Dodge trucks,” stated Dr. Spengler.

“Our unorthodox theory is very unorthodox,” said Gerard.  “We noted, almost by accident, that the marked rise in the global temperature correlated almost exactly with the installation of 18 additional hot springs pools at the Healing Spa Resort, back in 1995.  We believe — based on our revised climate models — that these additional pools of hot, smelly water are the root cause of global warming.”

Actually, the additional hot springs pools at the Healing Spa Resort were installed over a three-year period, between 1994 and 1997.  The resort, which also offers extremely high priced motel rooms, now has a total of 21 “naturally stinky mineral pools” renowned for their supposed healing qualities.

“We are happy to have this international research team staying with us,”  said the resort manager Dora Matt during a quick interview yesterday. “I especially like their funny accents. But this global warming stuff is a crock.”

That was all she would say, except, “I told you, I only had time for a quick interview.”

“We are not at all concerned about quick interviews,” stated Dr. Spengler.

The research team will be testing their theory by soaking in the pools for up to eight hours a day, over the next two weeks.  “We expect to publish our findings in the International Journal of Science Vacations,” said Gerard.

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Louis Cannon

Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.